.: schweetness :.

// it's been a year. well, almost.

2010-06-15T12:32:00.002+08:00

ah, haven't been blogging much lately, as u can see. been swarmed with work; or i was just too lazy (as usual). work was ok for the first few months, then they had that bankruptcy announcement thing (for those who knew what happened for the past few years, yea, I had to go through this AGAIN!), and now going to work is not something i want to wake up to.

so i've been spending my time doing what i know best -- watching TV series! am obsessed with Glee now, Jesse St. James to be exact (don't judge me! :p), but as they're having their 3-month break now, i'm trying to catch up with some series that i left out and even watch some that i've been meaning to watch; like Bones. but hmm.. i'm sorry, but i don't like Dr. Brennan. no offense to Brennan's fans. i tried, but somehow i find that for someone with such intelligence, she could be lacking of common sense, n she just doesn't listen, like the time when they found the pirate treasure episode, they figured out who the killer was, n confronted him, but though Booth had told her not to say anything, she was like "we know it's u" (cos she just couldnt keep her mouth shut!) without even noticing that the killer had Hodgens 200 feet down under (look it up under season 1). i mean, for someone who is supposed to be good at observing (those who don't watch Bones, she's good with well... bones.), she sure didn't observe THAT, did she?

anyways, that's not an interesting story, i know. but sad to say, i don't have any interesting stories to share with u right now, though yes, i know, it's been a year, u say. well, i'll say it's been a fucking boring year. this is one of the times that i wish miracles do happen. (God, u hear me?) thanks. ok, bye for now.

// keep crossing those fingers!

2009-09-30T19:27:00.002+08:00

have an interview coming up this weekend.. been a while since i went to one. am nervous, not gonna lie. but i reaaaaally need this. please oh please, let everything go smoothly.

// one step at a time..

2009-09-26T09:17:00.002+08:00

yeayyyy!! i've received the pictures from the shoot!! am totally psyched about it! there were like 800 shots, imagine that! but of course, only a few was ok. spent the whole evening at the shooting location, no wonder i slept early. hehe. anyways, it was sure as hell one of the best days of my life; i really enjoyed it. it's been a while since i felt happy doing something; something that i love. so thanks again to tera-san, who made it all happen. *hugs*

and here's what's i called my first so-called "portfolio"... haha. (hey, gimme some time to dream! lol.)

// selamat hari raya!

2009-09-19T05:45:00.002+08:00

well, it's the last day of puasa, and yes, my 6th year celebrating raya away from home. so i guess i've lost the excitement of celebrating it somewhere around last year.. sigh.

but anyways, am wishing all of u out there to make the best of ur last day of fasting, and have a great raya! may God bless all of us. amen.

// hoo-yeah!

2009-09-16T05:50:00.001+08:00

am totally psyched now that my favourite shows are back on! especially gossip girl and antm! are u kidding me? the new antm, for shorter girls.. i can never feel any more connected! (^_~)

now.. who's gonna be our favorite this cycle? i think u should all have ur eyes locked on brittany, erin and rae.

moving on to gossip girl.. chuck and blair.. awesome! but please chuck, please.. now that u r all hopelessly romantic, please promise that u wont get boring, ok? good. and oh. one tree hill? sucks that lucas n peyton are not there anymore. i know.. i know.. what's one tree hill without the main characters, right? i mean, though i'm on nathan's team, but still, all what? 6 of them? are the main characters. so even with one (in this case, two) gone, the original show is not the same.. it's just not 'one tree hill' anymore. but hey, i can never complain when they put robert buckley as the new regulars, eh? oh my.. he's sooooo yummy!! *slurpss* haha. ok, i'm gonna stop day dreaming now.

any-who, have fun watching the latest episodes, people! cheers.

// as if this couldn't be more disturbing...

2009-09-12T15:06:00.001+08:00

Want to look beautiful? Stand next to an unattractive friend

By Fiona Macrae
Last updated at 5:01 PM on 10th September 2009

Forget immaculate make-up or witty one-liners. The secret of seduction is as simple as standing next to your less attractive friend.

Studies show that our judgments of people vary according to the company they keep.

And if that company is less attractive, or dare we way it, ugly, the first person seems all the more appealing.

Kate Moss goes out partying with The Gossip's lead singer Beth Ditto (r). Standing next to a friend perceived as unattractive will make you more appealing, according to a study

Anthony Little, of Stirling University, said: 'You get a bit of a contrast effect when you stand beside someone of the same sex.

'If your friend is unattractive that makes you relatively more attractive.'

On the other hand, exceptionally good-looking friends may cast you in a rather bad light and so should not be invited out on the town.

Those who might want to take heed of the advice include singers Lily Allen and Beth Ditto, both of whom are often photographed with Kate Moss, one of the most beautiful women in the world.

Other tips for enhancing appeal include surrounding yourself with lots of members of the opposite sex - the 'Hugh Hefner effect'.

More...

* ALL THE LATEST SCIENCE FESTIVAL NEWS

The Playboy founder is not the first flush of youth but makes himself appear more desirable by constantly being photographed with buxom beauties.

Dr Little, a psychologist, told the British Science Festival: 'If you were just looking at Hugh Hefner's physical attractiveness you might not be that impressed with him.

'But as soon as you see him with beautiful women you might infer other traits, for instance, you might infer he is a multi-millionaire or charming or witty.

'He somehow becomes more attractive.'

The effect extends to the animal kingdom. When researchers placed toy female grouse near a male bird, other hens flocked to be near him.

And a study released last month found that single women view married men as better catches than bachelors.

It seems the fact that they already have someone's seal of approval makes them all the more desirable.

The US researchers said: 'This may be because an attached man has demonstrated his ability to commit and in some ways his qualities have already been "pre-screened" by another woman.

'A commonly heard complaint among women is that "all the good men are taken", but is it possible that this perception is really based on the fact that the taken men are perceived as good?'.

Our parents also provide inspiration in our search for love. Studies show that men are attracted to women who look like their mothers, and women choose boyfriends and husbands that remind them of their fathers.

Dr Little said: 'The best predictor of a someone's partner's hair and eye colour is generally the traits of their parent of opposite sex.

'If your a man whose mother has blue eyes, you are more likely to end up with a partner who has blue eyes.

'If you are born to young parents, you tend to like younger-looking faces but if you are born to old parents, you tend to like older-looking faces.'

Read more: http://www.mailonsunday.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1212575/Want-look-beautiful-Stand-unattractive-friend.html#ixzz0QjWplEIi

// surprise!

2009-09-05T08:34:00.002+08:00

i met someone who has the same birthday as mine yesterday. oh, sorry. TWO someones, actually. haha. random, eh? if before this, i could hardly find one, now i found two! i don't feel all that special anymore.. :(

// a friend in need..

2009-08-29T08:19:00.007+08:00

am totally bumped out cos my dearest, closest friend here in Kagoshima had just left this morning. :( i will totally miss him for sure.. cos he's been there for me most of the time, especially since i have a bad year thoroughly.

so buddy, here's for u;

i know it hasn't been that long since we've known each other.. well.. to most people it may be a short while, but it feels like a lifetime to me. time really doesn't seem to matter when a friend like u is always standing by my side (well, except when u were being a wimp and fell sick, of course.. haha kidding. :p). thank u for everything, i will surely miss u very much, oh, the gossips (fine..! STORIES.. whatever.), the non-literal "ass-kicking" (haha), and ah! i don't even know how to put 'em into words!! just.. EVERYTHING! yes.. we DO fight sometimes, cos we're humans... and also cos we're friends.. real friends who care for each other. skanky backstabbing bitches' fights and our fight are toooooootally different, u got that one right! ;)

anyways, justtttt in case u're reading this, dude, i just wanna say how much i love u!! u r one hell of a friend! and yes.. u shall see me in front of ur doorsteps once i'm married with a rich old man. haha. let's just NOT cross our fingers on this one.. deal?! ;) or u're the one who's getting his ass kicked! :p

XOXO.

// hand me that tree branch

2009-08-12T18:39:00.003+08:00

i'm bad at making decisions.. and i'm not saying bad as in can't.. but i'm just not sure about it, and tempted to change it afterwards. hmm.. and this decision that i've just made, i've been bitting around the bush for a while, but then after finally made it, i felt like changing it -- because i'm crazy. yes.

i need someone who can show me the way, who can stop me when i'm thinking of doing something stupid. God, help!

// when i say A, u say E

2009-08-03T14:10:00.002+08:00

seriously, why do japanese people have to make everything so complicated? thousands of classes, and they still can't differ "A" from "E", "B" from "D"... it's "ay" and "eeee" for crying out loud!

and what's with the "i can't remember these words, give me a more simple one" thing? sometimes they are just how they are, u *#%^@)_*(@*&@#!! there are NO alternatives! urgh! besides, u were there to LEARN, not to give ORDERS on how to make things simpler for u!! geez. headaches.. headaches..

// sob..sob.

2009-07-28T14:06:00.000+08:00

huwaaaa!!! nak balik rayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! :'(

// 2 years... and counting..

2009-07-27T07:12:00.002+08:00

damn.. it's been 2 years.. seriously.. 2 years ago when i first had that feelings. but of course, knowing me, or what i always go through, that can never work out, so i tried, HARD, to push it away. hell, it wasn't easy, i promise u. but, at least it worked. i managed to forget about it -- until now.

when i was back to the surroundings i once familiar with, i guess all these flashbacks, or maybe just a need to feel comfortable in my own skin, made all those feelings returned. and it may be even worse now since i know that i've come to the state where i do things that i shouldn't be doing, and there's nothing that can take it back. too late for that. :( i don't know why, don't ask me for reasons, as i shall give u the typical answer that's programmed in every human's brain. hmm.. i guess that maybe somewhere in my heart, i still keep the hope burning, and live in denial for these 2 years, like i always do. or i'm just plain stupid. sigh.

i'm hopeless when it comes to making decisions, and when that decision has something to do with the heart, that could be even harder. ahhh... why do i always do this? shit.

// u make me wanna go ahhhh!

2009-07-21T13:21:00.003+08:00

seriously.. how am i supposed to know that things are more expensive in Fukuoka airport? i thought all duty free shops have the same price? sheesh. n i bought 4.. FOUR perfumes!! damn it!

anyways.. went to the beach last Sunday AND Saturday last week. yes, two weeks in a row. n i'm darker than ever! thank you very much. gonna look like an african in no time! hehe. also, i look like someone having a new, unknown disease as my whole body has bite marks which, had gone worse by the minute! have no idea what (or who, if that's even possible.. lol) bit me, but yea, from normal bite marks to reddish rash-a-like to bruises all over! strange, i know.

ps: gone for more than a month and THIS is my latest post, u say?? shut up! :p

// put the song.. on repeat, pls!

2009-06-19T10:36:00.000+08:00

I think I should change my playlist.

from Rihanna feat. Ne-yo's "Hate That I Love You" to Katharine McPhee's "Over It".

hmm.. better??

or exactly the opposite? blimey! pfft.

// meetings.. and more meetings.

2009-06-18T10:26:00.000+08:00

a former colleague introduced me to these "politicians" of Kagoshima (I don't really know what they r, exactly.. governor? board members? ah, whatevs.) today. now that my range of so-called acquaintences had widen, I better get a job!! else, I don't see the benefit of having these connections at all. tick tock..

// a week has passed...

2009-06-16T10:23:00.000+08:00

.. and 14 more days to go to find a new job.

or my ass is going home. m(_ _)m

hmm.. should I just go to Tokyo?? sigh.

// dammit!

2009-06-15T11:56:00.002+08:00

still trying to learn how to let go.. rather than trying to look for answers..

still trying to not care.. rather than thinking why it happened..

still trying to shut it.. rather than opening up to people..

ah. call me naive, call me stupid.. but I just think there won't be a need to even write this post if people start being human.

// now there's just me against the world

2009-06-10T01:33:00.005+08:00

pretty much like what the title says. shoo!

the rain won't stop, and the devils keep dancing, so i'm just gonna go. if that will turn it all back to normal -- so goodbye.

// really? shut up!

2009-06-08T21:15:00.001+08:00

heh heh.. I was scouted while walking in Tenmonkan. but, hmm.. like always, let's not get too excited now, shall we? not until we know if it's ligid or not. (since I've been there, done that for a few times before. cheh.)

well, honestly, I don't really think it is, but whatever. will just go and look at it for fun. since I'm in desperate need of that lately. blah.

// keep holding on...

2009-06-06T11:41:00.003+08:00

i'm better, thanks to those who asked. not perfect, but still, a step up, right?

and with the things at the office, i'm glad that at least i have 2 other people who knew about what happened even before i told them, which made me really surprised. i didn't expect people to actually notice! and today one of the B has the day off, so yes, so far, am happy.

ps: am still thinking about what should i say or do next.. the world has confused me all right. i don't know what's right or wrong anymore.. :(

// rain, rain, go away...

2009-06-02T11:17:00.000+08:00

.........

i'm speechless. thought the sun finally shines.. but it's raining. like always.

just shoot me now.

// office reruns

2009-05-31T13:38:00.002+08:00

ok. we are ALL going to play golf now.. on the CEO's sudden demand. i've never even played before, but.. what da heck. but hmm.. the two "lady devils" are today as well, too. and that makes just three of us ladies, which, is soooo not a good sign for me. can i just transform to be a man for ONE day?? please God pleaseeeeeeeeee???

// oh no.. swine flu??

2009-05-30T13:16:00.002+08:00

been having this cough for maybe a week now.. and it seems to get even worse. sometimes i will cough till tears came out from my eyes. now i'm worried... :(

// recession proof jobs

2009-05-29T14:43:00.002+08:00

looking for a job? or u were one of thousands that were currently laid-off? i know, the economy sucks right now.. but i saw this article online and thought that i could share with u. hope it helps. here:-

Top In-Demand Careers of 2009
by Amelia Gray

With all the recent worry over the economy, which jobs are still safe? Check out this set of careers slated to remain a great pick for anyone considering an education--even in this current difficult period for profits and growth.
According to the 2009 Robert Half International Salary Guide, careers in business, IT, and law are among the fields expected to yield top careers in the coming year. Learn more about which careers are expected to see the most growth, the highest starting salaries, and the best opportunities.

Technology Careers on the Rise
CIOs were asked which technical skill sets are in the greatest demand in their IT departments. Their response? Administration, support, and management skills are golden. The top responses, according to Robert Half International:

1. Network administration (LAN, WAN)
2. Windows administration
3. Desktop support
4. Database management

What do all these skills have in common? They can each be learned in an associate's or bachelor's degree program online. Bachelor's degrees in computer science, information science, or management information systems (MIS) are generally considered ample training for administrators. Desktop support professionals in smaller companies may only hold a two-year associate's degree in the field.

Creative Careers, Competitive Salaries
Looking for a job that challenges your creative side? Career training in artistic and creative careers can land you high starting salaries. Check out starting salary ranges for some of the top creative jobs for 2009, according to The Creative Group:

・Graphic designer: $36,000-$49,250
・Desktop publisher: $35,500-$45,000
・Motion graphics specialist: $56,000-$87,500

Remember, those are just starting salaries. While no career training program can guarantee a particular salary, the portfolio-building training you receive while working towards a degree in graphic design, desktop publishing, or animation can help prepare you to enter the field with confidence.
Freelancing is another option to keep your creative career in demand. When advertising and marketing executives were asked about the greatest benefits of using creative freelancers, 36 percent said that freelancers provided access to skills that didn't exist internally, and 21 percent noted that freelancers help avoid overstaffing followed by layoffs. In this volatile economy, you may earn more by diversifying your skills into a range of different jobs.

Career Training for Office Jobs
What do hospitals, retail centers, executive offices, and manufacturing plants have in common? They all need someone to sit at the front desk. A nationwide demand for administrative assistants, customer service representatives, and receptionists means that you can put your office management training to work. Here are a few special skills in demand in 2009, according to a survey by Office Team:

・Technical aptitude: Including Microsoft Office as well as accounting, payroll, and human resources applications
・Multilingual ability: Communicating with culturally diverse consumer groups is the biggest drive behind bilingual and multilingual hiring
・Continuing education: Hiring managers like to see employees continue their education by securing Certified Professional Secretary (CPS), Microsoft Business Certification, and other training.

Education plays a real role in the workforce. During times of high unemployment and higher job competition, boosting your resume with a career training program can make a big difference.

Training for Legal Careers
Salaries are expected to increase across the board for legal workers in 2009, according to Robert Half Legal. With specialized training in the form of an associate's degree, you may land a job as a paralegal, legal secretary, legal receptionist, or office clerk. Check out some of the salaries that may be available to graduates with the two-year degree:

・Case Clerk (zero to two years' experience): $32,000-$41,000
・Junior Paralegal (two to three years' experience): $40,500-$49,200
・Legal Receptionist: $26,750-$38,000
・Office Clerk: $27,000-$37,250

Use a degree or certificate to obtain the specialized education you need to enter the legal field. According to Robert Half Legal, most law firms and legal departments expect paralegals to hold at least a two-year college degree.
In this changing economy, popular jobs may see more competition. Hiring managers may expect applicants to be able to start on the first day with a strong set of skills. Rise to the challenge with the help of an online degree or certificate.

// unsure

2009-05-28T22:30:00.002+08:00

I don't know how much longer I can take all of this. everything. when I hit the rock bottom, people always say that something good will come out of it. but it seems like that "something good" is not here for a long run. :( but thank God that I still have some around me, someone like shioya-san, a colleague from when I was working at the advertising company. dinner with her today really made me relax a bit, and wanted to stay strong fighting all the "evil" in the office. haha. but I'm also worried as she's suffering from cancer and still need to take her meds. oh God, why do u always take the good ones earlier than those who don't even have the love for others? soooo many things were taken from me before, dear God. so please, not her too. amen.

// なんでかなぁ…

2009-05-27T16:31:00.004+08:00

最近、ヒロの「絶対彼氏」ドラマ、午後4時に再放送された。ヒロがもう結婚したのはすーっごく悔しいけど、やっぱ好きわぁ。（＾－＾；）見る度に、何かドキドキする。っていうか、このドキドキ感、久しぶりだ!!そう思った。まぁ、今の私が、仕事も彼氏も出来て、人生の中で最高だと思われるかもしれないけど、ヒロを見たら、何か懐かしく感じる。そのヒロに対するみたいなドキドキ感、また欲しい！優しい彼がいるのに、なんでドキドキしないんだろう?!最近結構考えてた。それって、ただのわがままなのかなぁ？誰か、答えを教えて!!m(_ _)m
っていうかヒロ、なんでこんな早く結婚なんかしたの？もうちょっと待っていれば、私もこんなに悩まないと思うのに…(苦笑）

ああああ〜！悔しいです!! （＠＿＠）

// here's what u get..

2009-05-26T10:35:00.005+08:00

... when a bitch (excuse my language) controls the office -- a mental disease.
ARGHHHHHHHH!!!! somebody, shoot me PLS! grrr.

// if u were to choose..

2009-05-24T14:35:00.002+08:00

between having the "thrills" but with the risk of being crushed in the end, and being plain, flat NORMAL but knowing that u're gonna be safe (i.e. not getting hurt), which one would u choose?? hmmm...

// past and regrets

2009-05-23T16:44:00.004+08:00

lately i've been thinking.. thinking about my past, that had lots n lots of drama! from backstabbing bitches, the hardcore relations and breakups, to the part where my life was threatened. all those things where u might think only happens in movies and dramas, well, it's not only an on-screen scenario for me. u might want to think twice about that now, eh?

and for some who knew, those were some (not the main ones, maybe) of the reasons i'm still here in japan. being in a life "drama" over and over (AND over) again sure tires me. i didn't know how much of that can i take. hence, the decision at the very last minute was made -- i shall stay in japan. and since then, i, who never cut anyone out of my life, thought that it would be best to do so. though that was the most drastic decision ever, that i have to make -- but i did. not using internet that much, not to mention my cell, or any other networks. felt like entering into a new world except, it's not literally new.

more than a year had past since the last "drama". now that i think about it, my life now has less of it (drama), which is good, but sometimes i just miss the times where i had all those fun back then. don't get me wrong, i still have fun with new friends now.. but, it's just different somehow. maybe i'm no superstar back home, but still i'm used to be in the spotlight. and though sometimes i do agree that life without the spotlight is so much better, but i just don't agree the part where it has to be well... different. inside. and sometimes that makes me wonder, do i regret not going back and have a life that i can say i love? hmm.. maybe a lil bit, but come to think of it, i don't regret cutting some, or most people from my past, at all. that's one thing for sure.

and with all the great new people, and only the best from the past who still remains around me, i shall learn to love my (new) life, once again. :)

// i'm bored. shoot me now.

2009-05-22T13:09:00.003+08:00

the "lady-devil" is not here at the office today, so that's a relief. but still, there's nothing to dooooo!!!! i know i should be happy that i can just use the internet, and no actual work to be done, but still... i need SOMETHING! even the internet doesn't entertain me these days... haih.

anyways, did some browsing about hiro just now.. been a while since the news about him getting married was the media's top news. i'm sure many were shocked, cos he's the most perfect (to my eyes, at least) guy on earth! -- and he's married at such a young age. *cries* ah, now i can say goodbye to my daydreaming since there won't be another good-looking guy WITH a good heart to replace hiro.

// I'm lovin' it!

2009-05-21T15:49:00.001+08:00

I'm loving my new blog skin!! :D
still under construction though, but hey, am trying not to get busted for not working in the office here. :p
get back at it later.

toodles~

// hey blog. it's been a while...

2009-05-20T12:59:00.003+08:00

dear blog,

sorry that I left u alone for quite a while. I was caught up with feeling pity for myself and forgotten that u were always there for me. so for that, I apologize.

well, to sum everything up, I was in a mess since I quit my last job as an English teacher. I didn't get paid, at all, which sucks, and to add more pressure to it, the world is on an economic crisis, and Japan companies had laid-off most of their workers, and it's even harder for me, a foreigner to find a job here.

but then, in January, something good happened in a part of my life, and I thought, oh well, at least there IS something good. it was really great, at first, but u know what always happens when I open my heart again.. so yea. that Feb, was the worst time ever. I saw each and every thing started to fall apart, I don't even have money to eat, and at that point, every little mistake that happened, conjured my angry switch. I've never ever been rude to my foster mom, but yet, I did during that period. but still, I'm very much blessed to have all these people around me, who lent me their shoulders for me to cry on, who always have my back though in times like this, and I shall never, EVER, forget any of them.

in March, things started to calm. not good though, but just plain calm. I was still on my journey to look for a new job... 3 months without a job and without any savings to live, pretty much brought me into the same group as zombies. well, not literally. I lost 5 kg, but I don't think skinny is my look. as I thought things will go back to normal in that month, cos it seemed that way for a second, I was lost again to reality.

but then, dear blog, when I thought I won't stand strong long enough, faith came back to me. a wonderful saviour came to fix anything broken inside, and, I was called for a job interview -- which then was directly hired by the CEO himself after 20 minutes!!! I was very happy, blog dear, VERY! and now, though the job isn't really what I expected, and the atmosphere in the office is not that good, but at least I'm starting to breathe normally again, for sure.

so again, blog, sorry for my absence all these months, but I know u'll always be there whenever I need u. thank u. ♥

// why oh why

2009-03-31T14:29:00.001+08:00

i don't know why, i can't just be happy without thinking bout the past. i want to let go, and yet i keep holding on to it for some reason i yet not know. and i hate the fact that i try to compare the present and the past though i don't really want to know or though there's nothing good comes out of it. god, i'm screwed, eh?

is it bcos i took yeaaaaaaars to forget about one past, but when i finally forget about it, and think only about the present, the present turns out to be just as same as the past? ah, i don't know what i'm rambling about anymore. or maybe i just refuse to forget, cos then it would look like it didn't mean anything. cos it did. mean something. everything, then. the past should look fake now, but in fact, to me, the present does...

// God, hear thee

2009-03-30T16:06:00.003+08:00

Dear God,

how can someone be so sweet at one time, n turned into a cruel, heartless n selfish self the next?
why do people have interest in something at one time, but chose not to the next if there's no solid reasons?
don't tell me cos people change, dear God, cos I don't think u MAKE them change unless they want to.
and why do people prefer to follow the book so much rather than their own heart?

// clueless

2009-02-01T12:22:00.002+08:00

gosh, i've been soooo stressed out lately, that i have no idea of what to write at all. or maybe that i have all these ideas, i mean i can just bitch about everything, but i was in a state where i couldn't even been bothered to write something. anything. and, without a computer, and a non-working phone right now.. that pretty much sums it all up. so yea.

// i gotta go my own way

2009-01-31T12:41:00.001+08:00

this is a song that i pretty much feel close to my heart right now.

I gotta say what's on my mind
Something about us
doesn't seem right these days
life keeps getting in the way
Whenever we try, somehow the plan
is always rearranged
It's so hard to say
But I've gotta do what's best for me
You'll be ok..

I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this
world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own way

Don't wanna leave it all behind
But I get my hopes up
and I watch them fall everytime
Another colour turns to grey
and it's just too hard to watch it all
slowly fade away
I'm leaving today 'cause I've
gotta do what's best for me
you'll be ok..

I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this
world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own way

(What about us?
What about everything we've been through?)

What about trust?

(you know I never wanted to hurt you)

and what about me?

(What am I supposed to do?)

I gotta leave but I'll miss you

(I'll miss you)

so
I've got to move on and be who I am

(Why do you have to go?)

I just don't belong here
I hope you understand

(I'm trying to understand)

We might find our place in this
world someday
but at least for now

(I want you to stay)

I wanna go my own way
I've got to move on and be who I am

(What about us?)

I just don't belong here
I hope you understand

(I'm trying to understand)

We might find our place in this
world someday
but at least for now
I gotta go my own way
I gotta go my own way
I gotta go my own way

// live. life.

2009-01-28T22:41:00.001+08:00

i don't want to die;

but i'm not alive.

i still wanna live...

but i'm not living.

// amen

2008-12-30T16:46:00.002+08:00

dear God, please oh please help me decide on this one. I've nowhere to turn to, and You know better what's best for thee. please o' please, give me a sign.

// HOHOHO!!

2008-12-25T04:18:00.000+08:00

wishing u all a Merry Christmas n a Happy New Year!! ;) xoxo.

// it's winter... let's hibernate!

2008-12-20T16:01:00.002+08:00

i HATE winter!! coz it makes me lazy. lazy to do all these things which i enjoy doing in summer:

1. go out -- duh, it's cold?!! don't u feel like u just wanna stay under ur blanket 24/7??

2. dressed up -- winter's fashion needs like what? a few pieces n layers of clothing, which i'm soooo not good at tho i've spent my 5th winter here. i'm all about one, or two pieces, dresses, or skirts, (jeans too), and no, i don't think it's for this season around. seriously, i don't know how can the japanese girls do it, really. it's like, u'll c more people wearing skirts in winter!! tho they do, complain about being cold. HOW ANNOYING!

3. this is not something that i do, but more to what i get -- a flu!! yes, i always get a flu, even in summer, but during winter, it's like a non-stop parade!! geez.

4. i eat more in winter too! -- damn this animal-like habits! (guess that's the only thing that even winter can't make me feel lazy to do -- but the opposite!!)

now that i feel lazy to type (typical), i'll just end here b4 my phone starts cookoo-ing again. LOL. the point is, u'll be surprised at how much more lazier can winter really makes me, coz i'm already a lazy person to begin with!! :p

(there's really no real point in this post --so i've came to realize)

// "there's something about fake boobs...

2008-12-18T19:45:00.005+08:00

... that screams INSECURE," says Megan. haha. i can only think of one person when i heard her said that. and i'm sure my friends know exactly who i'm referring to. but ah, let's not talk about her. we'll just be wasting our precious time. right, guys? ;) coz let's face it: she thought that we've been living in her world while the fact is; it's OUR world; she just lives in it! LOL.

anyways, for those TV freaks out there, i'm sure u must've figured out who is this Megan. yes, the spoiled rich brat who were given like, a lot junk of money and opened a boutique and now, ah, she made it sound so simple -- am bored with it. so she joined 10 other people on the quest to become the new junior editor at ELLE magazine. yes, i was talking about another antm-like tv show, stylista. now there's only top 3 left and omg, let me tell u, to get till this episode, is actually tiring, literally, coz u'll be watching all these wicked and omg-i-feel-like-slapping-someone kinda person battling each other. man, isn't this a twisted show? if u think antm girls are bitchy, wait till u watch this one! at least antm were left with some good contestants at the top but stylista? only the evil ones are left. and u know what? i actually think that the most cunniving, and evil of all will actually win this! -- nonetheless than Megan herself! seriously.

well, let's just wait and see if someone is 'man' enuff (tho there's literally no man. only ladies n gays) to out-shine her. hmm.. i guess that devils do wear Prada! lol.

// facebook bizzarre

2008-12-17T16:05:00.000+08:00

i noticed this while "chatting" with my cousin at the facebook's wall:

"Aimy Anuar wrote at 4:34pm tomorrow"

noticed what's wrong?? no.. not the underlined name part. YES! the 'tomorrow' part!!

i was giggling at the office, and the others sure thought they have hired another cookoo in the office. LOL.

// money 101

2008-12-08T03:12:00.002+08:00

funny, how the government wants their citizen to be well educated, but the education itself costs a fortune! and, if the clothes shown on fashion shows or runways, can only be afforded by the rich, why don't they just call it rich people's clothes? or fashion for the rich? coz i think the word "fashion" is general, and is obviously for everyone.

// i like my turkey stuffed with drama, as much as GG

2008-11-19T17:49:00.003+08:00

haha. i just loved the title. nothing much to do with the post tho. but, talking bout dramas, who would've figured, that boys can be so dramatic? lol.

S, P, R and J.. doesn't make into a word. but drama. tho it's not even as exciting as GG's. how boring. heh.

S.. a little too slow for someone who's gone on a few dates, i have to say. haha. but hey, still a good guy. and good education too.

P.. hmm, a child who's trying to grow up, or maybe, a shy guy trying to show that he, too, has some fangs -- and can pull a playboy E. lol.

R.. ah, him. i just don't know what to say. too emo for his own good. whatever.

J.. still in the figuring-state. will give more 411 after the date this Thurs. *giggles*

guess beggars sometimes do have to be choosers! hahaha! xoxo.
Happy Thanksgiving!!

// 25, n no car, no house, not even a nice job, u say??

2008-11-17T16:05:00.002+08:00

but i had a marrrrvellous birthday!!! for the first in my lifetime (no, i'm not exaggerating..), i had a big (though it's not as big as i imagine, but ah, whatevs) birthday party, surrounded with my awesome friends!!

sure, few incidents happened before the day comes, such as cancellations, the headaches to find a good place, or even the patience with the guests late RSVPs. having almost cancelling my own party, i had a friend that i come to find as the best wisher (haha) this time around, telling me that he'll make it happen, no matter what. awww.. (^^)

going thru a heavy rain on the day itself, i was wondering how much more of this "tests" should i have, in order to have one simple fun? nervous breakdown, for a while there... but the anxiety turned to a smile on my face when i saw my friends, waiting for me at the restaurant, a little wet tho. (more oohs and aahs..)

so, what's a good gift for a birthday, u asked? after 2 hours of eating, drinking and karaoke-ing, i came to realized that i had the perfect gift that i could ever asked for!! scents from body shop? oh, i got one. but, nahh. that's not it. crabtree & evelyn? not even close! MY FRIENDS!! yes, they are the perfect gift -- ever! i was touched, seriously. getting all wet just to get there? hell, i didn't even wanna go to MY birthday party at the first place! sheesh!

aah.. thanks again, my friends, for coming, in the rain, and for the gifts, and for -- ah, everything! u still know i love u, right?? xoxo. ♥♥

// looking forward to 25?

2008-11-14T18:56:00.002+08:00

not really. 25.. and no car, no house, not even a nice job... so what's to even look forward to? woohoo! HAPPY birthday! (u can smell the sarcasm by now).

// whatever..

2008-11-10T17:12:00.001+08:00

organizing my own birthday party.. and no one seems to even care.

how much more pathetic can i get?? :'(

// in less than a month,

2008-11-06T18:46:00.003+08:00

i have 2 exams that i just couldn't bare to fail. arghhh! the japanese proficiency test (JLPT) and TOEFL. and i only have sundays to my own, as i have to work every other day, as an excuse for not having the time to study, of course.

toefl -- seriously, i'm dead. and japanese test -- i'm double dead!! (T_T)

this is the time when u can hear me screaming HELPPPPPPPPPPPP~~~!!!

*dropped dead*

// as cranky as an old woman menopausing.. lol

2008-11-05T18:01:00.002+08:00

with only a three-hour-of-sleep, with my boss who promised to call but didnt, and the no-idea-of-what-to-do-lesson is about to occur, i'm cranky as hell today. i think i might having menopause. oopps, i mean pms. but i still had the time to watch the news, congratulating Obama for the spectacular victory. i'm not into politics, but i dont know why, i silent-cheering Obama, coz i really hope that he could bring a change. unlike that useless Bush who just knows how to start a war. and forever, i will hate him. whatever.

// xoxo

2008-11-03T18:45:00.001+08:00

Jenny Humphrey... troubled. that's all.

// ....

2008-11-01T11:12:00.000+08:00

my Hiro has a gf... (T_T) and surprisingly, with someone i used to adore.. and i found myself beaten by it -- for real. obviously not gonna adore her anymore! huwaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

// something wicca this way comes.. tomorrow!

2008-10-30T17:07:00.002+08:00

finally.. it's halloween tomorrow, people! and like every other year, halloween is THE event that we've been waiting for. i know lots of other kagoshima-ians could agree on that one. ;)

anyways, as i've started working, i dont really have much time to think bout costumes, which is saaaad, so i'm going with this jeanie outfit, which i'm totally gonna regret for, in the end. not for wearing the costumes, that is.. but for not doing sit-ups n have the best abs to go with the outfit, of course. LOL! yes, laugh about it. i know i did -- cry. not literally.

so.. we'll just gonna have fun without thinking bout the flabby lil stomach, promise? right. like u would care. whatever. btw, happy halloween, guys!!

// six packs my abs!

2008-10-26T17:01:00.000+08:00

ok.. gonna try to lose maybe a liiiiiitle weight (at least round the tummy) till Halloween. but, what da hell.. i dont even think it will work -- coz i'm the laziest person i know! duh..

// suddenly the internet read my mind...

2008-10-22T16:18:00.002+08:00

okay.. i have to admit, sometimes i do talk to myself. lol. but, i dont think that i'm the only one with the "loose-screw" syndrome. hence, the term imaginary friend exists. agree?

then, while i was browsing, suddenly my eyes caught on that small-letter-sentence, as if it was calling to me. seriously, it was small. and for someone who was just browsing without a motive, u can barely notice it's there.

so, yea. the title "does talking to yourself mean you're crazy" makes me smile a little. so, as i know there might be other talking-to-urself YOU out there, i've decided to post the article here. enjoy! (or not) hehe.

By David Neubauer, M.D.

Does Talking to Yourself Mean You're Crazy?
Posted Wed, May 14, 2008, 3:52 pm PDT

A reader recently asked whether it was abnormal for people to talk to themselves.
I don't believe there's anything unusual in someone speaking out loud to no one in particular, or when no one else is around. For some people, it's simply a habit; they may be using it to keep themselves organized, stay focused, and remind themselves what to do next.
Some people talk out loud when they feel lonely. Or others will reflect on their actions with comments such as "Great job," "I'm glad that's finally done," or "That was really stupid."
And who doesn't occasionally talk back to the radio or television, especially when engaged in viewing sports events or listening to a despised politician?
On the other hand, sometimes talking to oneself can indeed be a manifestation of mental illness. Some people with psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia may lose touch with reality and experience auditory hallucinations of voices. They feel compelled to respond to "their" voices and even carry on extensive conversations. It's not unusual in downtown areas of big cities to see homeless people, quite oblivious to their surroundings, conversing earnestly when no one else is nearby.
When people seem to be carrying on conversations with themselves these days, however, it most often means they have a Bluetooth earpiece and a cell phone. These one-sided conversations can be pretty annoying if you're stuck in front of such a caller in a line for any length of time.
So... there are plenty of situations when talking out loud to yourself or to no one in particular is perfectly appropriate and socially acceptable. But when we have to listen to lengthy one-sided conversations from a cell phone user, we call it "noise pollution."
Who, finally, are the crazy ones? It's the oblivious cell phone talkers who don't look where they are going, don't care who hears every mind-numbing detail about their business and personal affairs, and couldn't care less that they're driving everyone within earshot... a little mad. They should know better.

// drool alert!!

2008-10-21T18:31:00.008+08:00

there's a new hunk in town (well, not this town, at least) to drool, ladies!! woohoo! Ty Collins, the richest kid in West Beverly High, played by Adam Gregory, is definitely an eye-catcher. who could resist this breath-taking guy?? (oops, except Annie, that is. seriously, there's something wrong with her head, i guess.. lol)

for anyone of u who still couldn't figure out what i was babbling about, watch the new series from the cw, 90210! u'll gonna get high. trust me!

arghhh!! gonna continue drooling. haha.

// ... and i'm back to one.

2008-10-20T16:43:00.003+08:00

after a hectic and tiring, yet fun, week, the st. francis's boys who came here for the asian youth festival had finally went on the plane back to malaysia this morning. *sobs*

and it wasn't a surprise as i shred tears last night after saying our goodbyes, as i had make a bond with them in just a short while.. those fun loving boys sure know how to make my day, in fact, all of our days... and oh, joshua, who can forget that smile? :)

i think just being with a malaysian (who connects, that is) makes a difference here. suddenly i feel homesick, hence the tears, and seriously i was about to turn back to their hotel when i was actually on my way home, just because i want to spend the last night, laughing, and playing with them. yes, i was that lonely as soon as we finished waving at each other! seriously.

luckily, i'm not the only lunatic person there, as my friends share the same feeling as mine. *phew!* anyways, wanted to send them off to the airport this 4:30 in the morning, but i was only managed to stay awake till 3-ish, so i missed it. huwaaaaaaaaa!!!

ah, boys, don't miss me too much aaa..! lol. well, i'll sure try to visit them at their school -- definitely before Bok graduates!! hehehe.

// sleeping mode.. ON!

2008-10-17T14:56:00.002+08:00

it's still raya month, but i guess the heat of raya had turned down here in kagoshima. or maybe just for me. guess when u had a blast the year before, u're kinda cursed the year after. lol. but on the bright side, at least i did have a great raya last year, though it's the worst for me this time.

anyways, my sleeping cycle is really a mess lately..! i can only sleep when the sun shines, and wakes up one or two hours before going to work. that sucks, as i figured i have to settle a few things which has been on hold for a month! geez. my finances, is nowhere near the safety line, so my head capacity is almost at the limit it can bare.

and this week, i have to be the guide-slash-translator to the guests from msia for the youth festival. and that leaves me to a 3-hour-of-sleep almost every day.

and yes.. what else? oh, had a dream of my ex last night... which, always means so not good! damn.

// u know u love me, xoxo.

2008-10-10T16:43:00.002+08:00

like paula suggested, here's a post to sounding like a GG. heh.

on paula's birthday, saturday, october 4th.

spotted: little P with a random japanese at bodega. he got so sick after that! try to find another one, little P!

xoxo.

// pinklicious!

2008-10-05T16:20:00.000+08:00

again, Happy Birthday, Paula!! thanks for such a wonderful night which, i havent been experiencing in a while. pheww!

anyways, on her birthday, i saw this beauuuuutiful little fish at the place we had our party. and it was pink! yes, people, pink! seriously it was soooooooo cute, i feel like i want to crush it in my palms! (oops, wrong expression? haha)

so, this is it, named "ponyo", from the side...

and.. a shot from the front which just happened, as it turned to the camera just on time i click!

isn't it a beautiful creature?? ♥

// (T_T)

2008-10-01T15:21:00.004+08:00

it's raya...

and i'm sitting at the office, in front of the computer... writing this.

how pathetic. *sobs*

// e..sok hari raya～　♪♪

2008-09-29T20:01:00.004+08:00

well, not literally tomorrow, it's the day after that. heh. fasting month is almost over, but ah, thinking that i have to ganti for a week (huwaa!), my strength was gone. hehe. but nevermind, i'll do it during winter, so it will be like the good old fasting days... *giggles*

have to work on raya, since japanese don't celebrate it, obviously. i don't know, has raya losts its meaning when u r abroad? i thought it's supposed to make us even more excited to celebrate the festival. but lately i feel like, it's just another day for me. *sigh*

but urm, the other teachers said they're gonna treat me for a meal on wednesday, so we'll just have to wait and see, won't we? (^^)

oh, btw, wishing every muslim a Selamat Hari Raya!!!

God bless.

// a night at the hill

2008-09-28T18:51:00.012+08:00

went to Kirishima last night, after work, which was 3-ish, to my japanese-kinda-like-foster-mom's friend's villa. didn't get much sleep the day before, and it made me sleeping like a cow along the way. just before we arrived, we could see a few deers, crossing the street -- they were so cute!! but as i was soooo sleepy, couldn't take any pictures of them. sorry.

anyways, after arriving, we just sat down and talk, and as i was aware that the sahur time is almost up, i quickly had a bite of sushi and some water. and then me and my friend went to the onsen which is inside the house, yes inside!!! how amazing is that?! hehe.

as it turned bright, i just went to bed, while the others were still drinking. (oh, there were 5 of us -- my foster mom, nana, workmate kacchan, and his friend. and the mom's friends are hiroko who is err.. (whom is a ceramic artist) and her friend, which i had forgotten her name. sorry.) the original plan was to have a bbq in the morning, but as they found out that i'm fasting, they changed the plan to night instead. oh, how kind.

well, to my surprise, i slept until 5:30, haha, and off to the onsen i was soon after that. i finished just nice for berbuka, and everyone had already started. ate like a pig (i don't know how many animals i could actually be like. lol), and am writing this soon after eating for non-stop for about 2 hours. seriously!! my brain actually is not thinking while writing this, so, i think it will end up like a school kid's essay, but ah, whatever, i don't care. heh.

just wanted to post this picture of a biggggggggg scallop that we ate, oh my, how delicious that was!! and yea, a few of the villa's pictures. felt like i was actually in europe. yippie! :)

and oh, this is the onsen (hot spring) inside the house.

// ちげぇんだよ、バーカー！

2008-09-27T12:27:00.002+08:00

昨日、久しぶりにハニカミを見た・・・なんか、女同士と遊びに行くセグメントがあるじゃん？そう、それ。昨日のゲストはエド・はるみとおバカアイドルのゆきなちゃんが出演。ドライバーは久本。
　みんな銀座の方に行って、でねぇ、どっかの店で買い物してて、６０００円ぐらいの服を見たら、みんな「安ぅ！」と言った。その時、まぁ、まだ分かるんだけど・・・(^-^;)　でも、その後、２万円ぐらいのコートも安いと言った時は、なんかムカツクんだよなぁ・・・そう気がした。まぁ、確かに、みんな芸能人ですから、安いと思うんですけど、一般人として考え見て下さいよ。だって、テレビを見てる人達はあんたみたいにお金持ちの人ばっかりじゃないんですから・・・(涙)　それを見ている人が芸能人に憧れて、そういう風になりたい気持ちがあるだからこそ、必死で、必死で・・・だから、ストレスになるんだよ！(汗)

４枚で、合計３８，０００円ちょっとで、まだ｢安ぅ！｣と言うかよ？！(@@)

ROOKIESのアニヤでいうと、安くねぇんだよ、バーカー！！

以上。

// the zebras are crossing!!!

2008-09-25T14:50:00.000+08:00

people!! please stop at the zebra crossing if u see someone is waiting to cross, will ya?? even when there's no traffic light! that's why there's a zebra crossing in the first place. didn't u guys learn it before u had ur license?? urghhh!!! *annoyed in fasting month*

// welcome back, queen b-itch?

2008-09-24T20:54:00.004+08:00

wow, the new gossip girl sure is bitchy! i don't know what they are trying to do, it's all messed up to me now, one time a couple, the next thing broke up, then turned into a bitch in err... a night?? congratulations to showing that they are nothing but rich spoiled brats! *claps*

i thought serena is trying to change who she was when she first came back? that means, even without meeting dan in the process, she still has the intention to change, right? dan is just some kind of an aid to speed up the process, that's all... but now, after they broke up, can someone please tell me why the hell does she has to go back to her old self?? yes, she had lost dan, which is again, just a help, but it's her, and HERSELF only that wanted to change to begin with. duhh..

and oh, oh.. what about the time with georgina? remember how she came back to the apartment to check on that guy who were OD and died? i think if the real serena is a bitch, she would do the same thing as err, her bitch friend, georgina; and just left the guy there without even thinking of going back. true?

now all series had turned into just a plain... well, -- drama. *sigh*

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

edited err.. 24 hours later :p

hmm.. vanessa.. vanessa... u know how she always wants to do the "right" thing?? but now she turned up to be doing the exact opposite. poor nate.. (ok, i know it's not fair coz nate might caused this himself, at first, but i was referring to this current situation, that's all) i mean, she asked blair for help, and i know that she saw blair with marcus at the restaurant. but i mean, come on! u want to do the right thing, so why not confront her first before u secretly go and tell about the duke's 2nd wife and son's affair at the duke's face?? O-M-G!! seriously, the scene where nate gave vanessa back her own words, "we were never really friends", i totally think that she deserves that. eat that, vanessa!

i think the one that stays the same might be blair (hey, at least she shows that she is a bitch from the start, unlike serena), eric, and, as much as i don't want to accept this, it's chuck.

and who is the most pathetic of all? the followers, without a doubt! why, u ask? oh, easy.. coz they dont even have their own standings.. or their own sayings.. they follow every single thing that the so-called "queen" say!! see how there's a time when little j was the "queen" for a while? yeah. those once-to-be-blair-followers turned into jenny's bee in a second! and now, they're serena's. poor little bees... u should all be put on the wall of shame.. lol.

// sex minus the city :p

2008-09-22T15:38:00.004+08:00

ok, i KNOWWWW... am a bit late, but i just watched the sex and the city movie, yesterday! (as an excuse, hey, it's Japan! most movies ARE late!) okay, u can stop booing now. went to watch it with my japanese friend, nana, and, after watching it, we figured, there's nothing to do afterwards! (it's not exactly a news flash, really.) LOL. wanted to have our own "sex and the city" (oh, minus the sex), we went to the most "glamour" place in kagoshima that we could think of -- tenmonkan! hahaha! (it's actually more like a pekan (small town) than a Manhattan-like town, unfortunately... :p)

but again, since it's kagoshima (like i've mentioned in every chance i get), the shops are already closed (oh, fyi, it was few minutes b4 midnight), so we ended up taking our feets to our friend's bar instead. and while having our own metropolitan (well, not really -- u may have figured by now that, most of the things i said here is muriyari(something that u forced to)-ly trying to sound like satc, but actually doesn't work. haha), nana was telling bout how it is so hard to find a good boyfriend, yada.. yada..

(flashback's gonna start... lol)

and it brought us to the event that happened the night before, approximately, the morning just then. haha. well, i brought her to my friend's farewell party, as she wanted to meet my foreign friends, and be outside of the japanese-speaking environtment, and there, she knew this kinda-good-looking guy, which is also, of course, my friend,whom i am sooo not gonna mention his name, and let him be just H. heh.

to go straight to the point, we went karaoke, after the dinner (or maybe the drinking), that i was late for, hence the yet again, forced karaoke session, haha, with me n my plus 1. and all the time, i can see H sitting beside this japanese friend of mine, talking to her, and at that point, it's obvious that he shows interest in her, so i was like, whatever, none of my business. (well, not really).

all that occured at the karaoke seems normal to me, so i didn't say anything to H, or even the ever-not-sober B; whom, may i say, irritates me whenever he's drunk. but, after we went outside the building, and everybody started to get home, H is trying to get my friend to go home with him to God knows for what -- err.. lemme rephrase that. actually, ANYone can think was the objectve was. and maybe, seeing H made B asking me for the same thing, which, is soooo not gonna happen, not after the "drama" last year, as i've told him. but then, nana rode on the bicycle with H, or as B calls it, the "love mobile". so i rode B's love-fucking-mobile to catch up with nana, but turned out to be faster than them, and as B didn't want to stop the bike, and i couldn't just risk myself to jump off of it, we went straight to the junction -- and turned to see H and nana had crossed the road dangerously, even when the lights were red. so that's was when i screamed for B to stop, and wait for them to turn back.

anyhow, after A LOT of persuasion (and rejection) occured, thank God that D (it was his farewell that we celebrated) saw us and came by, and i had to ask D to help me get thru (or off. lol) B. being the man that he is, D asked me to go to the convinience store nearby, tagging along nana, and, to our surprise, B and H wanted to come along! (we couldn't say no, -- it's too obvious!!) but, thanks to D and P (i asked D to call P afterwards) who were there, me and nana could actually go back to our own homes, safely.

and it made us think of how the Europeans (to be fair, the other countries as well) are so 'hardcore' (u know what i mean) when it comes to that (oh u know what i meant by this, too). oh i'm sure nana, or even me, wouldn't mind if they're our boyfriends, or even just started dating (not that i'm suggesting it), but, that's not the case here, is it? i'm not scared as i've been friends with them (foreigners) for a long time now, and i've seen people acting that way few times before, i was just feeling sorry for nana, that's all. i don't mind if they want to 'samantha-ing' their night away, but please, can't they at least find someone who actually wants to 'samantha' as well? i mean, if they want to 'carrie' it, u can't just ask them to 'charlotte' it, right? rightttt? (okay, now i absolutely speak the language that only an satc fan would understand -- or not)

after blabbering bout it for almost an hour, i've forgotten what i wanted to say, or what point did i want to make in the first place. *sigh* anywho, u can figure it urself.

oh well, to H, just go slow, man! seriously. and to B, ah, whatever.

// dream-un-catch-er

2008-09-19T16:51:00.000+08:00

do you still remember, when we were a kid, we were always asked this question: what do u want to be when u grow up? and i still remember mine -- a doctor. hehe. and, that answer continues until i was urm... old enuff to think straight.. sometimes. lol.

do u know why u wanted to be what u want to be? i didn't even know why i wanted to be a doctor. now that i come to think of it, maybe i watched too much tv, as the japanese would say, terebi-ko (tv kid). haha. i guess by watching too much ER, made me think that it's so cool to be one. *giggles* but now, having a friend who's actually a doctor, she told me that it's actually good that i didn't end up being one, coz according to her, a doctor has no life! hehe. don't know how much truth there is though.. coz that's her opinion, right? everyone has their own. but, ah, whatever. move alongggg....

then, when i got a scholarship offer to further my studies in japan, at first, i have to say, i was confused. whether to accept it or not. coz i was in matrix, taking pure science, still in the hopes of becoming a doctor at that time, not an engineer. (chop, bukak puasa jap..) hehe. after giving it a thought, and think that it's a once in a lifetime opportunity, i went for it. i know some would say that's too bad, coz many would agree that it's better to follow your dreams, but, since i wasn't sure if medical was my true passion (though for half of my living life i said i wanted to be one, hehe), i said, why don't go for it? it wouldn't hurt to try. ah, there's where i was wrong -- it did hurt! especially in my lab. hahaha. but, that's another story.

having no interest in engineering but still doing it anyways, made me struggle a little, i must say... and so, i found new things that i love to do, (which i've only done a bit of it when i was back home, and didn't think that i would love doing it) -- which is singing and dancing! ♥
since the intention of becoming an engineer was scratched from the start (ok, not actually right from the start, but maybe after the 3rd year..), i had no idea of what to do after my graduation! (note: still don't. maybe.) all i know was, i want to work at the tv company, or anything that has to do with me (the words start to fade at this point :p) meeting all those hot guys... bla, bla, bla... ok, stop. that's not it. at least not all of it. hahaha.

getting my first job in japan at the tv commercial production was great, except for my department boss, that is. but then, since it's kagoshima, and since it's a small company, i couldn't get the working visa in time (and they are kedekut enuff not to give it to me now), had me left to find a new job. so here i am, being an english teacher to the junior high school students, and some kids, for the time being. coz to tell u the truth, i don't think i'm suit to be a teacher. not for long. *sigh*

to those people who are able to do the things u love, i do envy u. really. i was once told that doing something that u don't like, is what reality, or working world is all about. yes, i do know that. now. though i might not have a permanent statement of what i'd like to be now, i sure hope i will find it out soon. i think i may have came close to it.. ;)

// something teachy this way comes

2008-09-17T20:04:00.001+08:00

teaching the japanese english, has seriously got me. i mean, first of all, i'm not a native speaker, which i really don't mind, considering the knowledge that my english is better than them, hence, the teaching. duh.. what worries me is that, i've been thinking a lot of how to teach these students (junior high students esp., coz the kids, seriously, i don't mind, i could just start from A.), and let them know that un-native speaking teachers might as well be as good as the natives tachers.

i've asked them what they want to learn, or know, after the 3rd class, and hearing their asnwers, i have to agree, was what making me having doubts.

some of them said they want to learn reading -- but the thing is, they don't even know how to spell words, let alone pronounce them.

they say they want to learn listening -- but they can't even understand what i'm speaking!

they want to learn speaking -- but when were asked to repeat after me, they hesitate.

at first, i didn't even allow any japanese language used in my class, but it was a total failure. then, when i started to use japanese in order to explain to them the meanings of the words etc., it turned out into a japanglish class, which i totally am NOT, ever, want to happen!!

and i realized myself becoming one of this concern teachers who actually am thinking (hard) bout their students' accomplishments. haha. *puke*

// so... this is it! my nephew :D

2008-09-15T15:53:00.001+08:00

so.. i got this picture from my sister's facebook. hehe. this is the cute little AJ, that i've mentioned before. ;) again, congratulations to my sista! woohoo!

isn't he adorable?? awww... (^^)

lil AJ, aunt amy will save some money and visit u in msia, ok? wait for meeeeeee!! teeheehee.

// my hiro... ♥

2008-09-12T20:15:00.002+08:00

God, i just looooove this drama. eventhough it has finished for months (maybe almost a year) now! one of my fantasy-wish list -- to replace Maki Horikita during the shooting! haha.

// ...to be continued

2008-09-12T18:24:00.002+08:00

the blogskin editing will continue soon. err, maybe not that soon. gotta work! toodles!

// next top model

2008-09-11T16:41:00.000+08:00

ANTM is back, people! with the new cycle 11 with, wait for it... 14 contestants! not only that i think this is the cycle that has the most contestants so far, of all the other cycles, BUT, there's no plus size model too. how sad for what's-her-name. (_ _) maybe having whitney as the first plus-size-model-to-ever-win-the-competition in the last cycle had somewhat-bad influence? ah, don't get me wrong. i love that she won. coz this industry seriously need to change. skinny is now officially out of fashion! healthy people aboaaaard...!! (^^)

have no class today, so am freeeee to use this computer to watch the dramas. hehe. actually am thinking what should i watch next, as i haven't been watching A LOT lately. missing these dramas that i usually watch, i think, makes me more and more lazy it keep up with it. it's been months! duh.. and even a month can make so many diffs, so, imagine a month, with i don't-know-how-many dramas, times with all the episodes that i've missed, sums up to what? urmm... ok, i'm not even gonna think of counting. whatever, first thing's first. getting the computer. err, i mean, getting the MONEY for the computer. lol.

opps, gotta go.. pee-pee. :D

// under construction

2008-09-10T18:18:00.003+08:00

everything.. and i mean, EVERYTHING, is not going on the right path. well, i meant MY path. the computer, the new one, now that the old one broke down, like i've mentioned for the 100th time, is still not finished yet. i've booked it weeks ago, ok, to be fair, it had been just 2 weeks, but still, that guy said it won't even take a week to finish making a computer, but now, i'm still waiting. not that i have enuff money if they finish it on time anyways.. but, that's another story.

two, the internet... urghh, how annoying. suddenly the connection went poof! just like that. and when i called the cusromer center to ask about it, they don't even know what's wrong, and can't figure it out themselves. making me ask all the phone and the gas company, eventhough i can't see what's the relation between gas and the internet. whatever. and so, without internet, i can't watch the somewhat-cable tv that i have at my house.

three, this new job, not that i'm complaining bout the salary or anything, BUT! before i join, i was told that it was from 9 to 5. but now, i have to work from 2 to 11. yes, p.m.! it's fine, actually, if that doesn't make me quitting the night part-time job that i've been doing for almost a year! now that i can't go to that part-time, i also don't have money to eat; coz i've been depending on that to buy food all these while, since they pay daily. thankyouverymuch.

four, okay, i think i need to stop. coz i'm having headaches, too much headaches lately. feeling like throwing up; not that i'm pregnant, in case u're wondering. ahhh, better have a rest for a while, before my student comes for a discussion in... oh, she's here! ciao.

// kiddie land!

2008-09-08T18:26:00.005+08:00

oh, an announcement, my sister had delivered a beautiful baby boy last month, so i'm now an aunt! hehehe. congratulations to her. (^^) *curtsies*
but, at the same time, am sad not able to go back home. sob sob.

anyways, gonna start my first teaching class tomorrow. am i nervous or what?! of course i am.. as well as excited! and it made me print like hundreds pages of class's activities. haha.

talking bout kids, i feel like having my own. hahahahahaha! ok, that's TOTALLY a lie. duh! but, i mean, seriously, i'm gonna have a few of my own, in my class, that is... *giggles*
i hope they are all the cute ones. haha. i know, i'm asking a lot. (^^;)

well, am in the middle of printing the sheets, so gonna go back to that, for now, toodles!

// fast-forwarding

2008-09-06T16:54:00.002+08:00

it's fasting month! arghh. not that i'm complaining (wait, i AM!), but not bout the puasa, but about the weather this time around! sheesh. now that i actually have to fast during summer in japan (all these time it was during winter or fall), i feel like omg, when's the sun gonna be gone?! i know, all these while we were fasting in malaysia, with the hot weather n all, what's the difference eh, u say? this is the difference -- japan is actually hotter than malaysia! that's my opinion, along with others who agree, of course. the hotness is different, seriously. in malaysia, i think i seldom sweat like a pig, maybe sometimes, yes. but here, i feel like i'm inside a microwave! so this year's fasting is seriously a challenge; which i would love if i can fast-forward it to raya! hehehe.

// and here goes a new chapter...

2008-09-02T18:42:00.000+08:00

some of u know that i work in japan, in an advertising company. well, after all the crying, the stress, and the breathless-phonecall with my senpai, i finally quit the job. not that i'm not strong enuff to face my boss, believe me, i've been patient more than u can imagine, but, since the company won't give me a working visa, i have to find a job somewhere else, somewhere who actually know my worth. chewah!

and so, found a job as an english teacher. not something to brag about though, coz my english is still not that superb like the natives, but anyhow, it's a tuition kinda place and all i need to do is teach the kindergarten kids and primary school students, so i say what da hell... found it before i quit my last job, of course, so in a way, i guess maybe that's why i had the strength to left my boss like nobody's business. heh. besides, i need the visa by this 20th! damn..!

am in the new office now, using the computer, haha, since there's no class to teach today. yeehaa! it's actually my 2nd day, so i haven't officially start work yet. am looking forward to it, actually, are u kidding?! i love kids! except for the naughty ones, maybe. hehehe.

sometimes i'd say i hate staying here.. c'mon, this is kagoshima, not tokyo! but, the people over here are obviously much more nicer than tokyo-rians (?), so that's why i feel it's safer for a start. maybe after i'm getting used to it, i'll find a way to tokyo, i don't know... but anyways, it's a new life. i need one of that. who would have figured, malaysia has so many dramas, more than the U.S ever showed in their reality program? lol. i need a new life, a new surroundings, or new people, maybe, but of course, there are still beloved old people (i don't mean that they are old, please.) that i need in my new life. =)

so to them (they know who they are), i'm waiting for u to come to japan and visit me. hehe. and oh, maybe i didn't have the chance to say this before, but, sorry that i chose not to go back home and stay here, i didn't mean to worry u all, but i guess i need this. at least for a while. i know that u'd understand. i promise i'll come back to u one day, don't be mad. i love u all.

// middle-year resolution?

2008-08-25T16:34:00.000+08:00

ok, am gonna make a new resolution, in the middle of the year, i mean, almost end of the year, though i think i might not follow it. haha. (hey, didn't they say "rules are meant to be broken" anyways?). it's regarding my blog. since it's very-the-emotional all these while (although not all of it, excuse me), i will try to make it a happier place. in other words, write happier stuffs (if possible). i think it's good for me, and err.., for me. (^^)
even when there's things that will make me explode like a volcano (i won't, i promise u), i'll try to write it in a much happier way. haha. i can't imagine how's that will turn out. i think people will definitely say i went cookoo. lol.

go go gadget go!

// leaving on a jet plane

2008-08-17T15:51:00.004+08:00

going back to Kagoshima after spending 5 days in Tokyo. sigh. being away makes me realize how much I hate kagoshima, except for the people, I guess. but, spending time in Tokyo sure makes me wonder how sincere the people there really are. e.g, met a new friend, but he/she just msg or call me when they need some help. and that makes me feel like i'm being used. put urself in my shoe, won't u feel the same? well, maybe i was just overthinking it. whatever. already shut in my book.

anyways, do u often get a "why don't u have a boyfriend/ girlfriend?" question?? i KNOW, it's irritating somtimes, huh? how do we actually answer these kind of, may i say, stupid questions? ignorance is no help, trust me. on the other hand, i wonder why these people need to know so much why we don't have one. geez. as i can put it, the girls will always say, "men are jerks", while the guys will answer, "girls are hard to understand". so, go figure?! heh.

ok, let's put that matter on the other side of the table. still haven't fix my computer yet... so am using the one at the office. actually, i don't even bother to fix it. guess it's already too old. so went to find for a new one instead. and yes, the price...! abso-fucking-lutely over my one-month's-salary, thankyouverymuch. am looking for a sugar daddy to buy me one. anyone??? hahaha.

// japanese...

2008-08-03T12:58:00.002+08:00

after a few months stressing at work, I've finally have the time to blog and stress about other things. haha.

know what I realize lately? that japanese girls sometimes could use a kick at the face. LOL
why, u ask? coz they just don't know how to be thankful that they are actually skinny!! grrr..

went drinking with a few friends (yes, they're actually my friends), and they started to complain bout how "fat" they are. I was like, excuse me?! I was like the biggest among them! in a way, yes, I feel that's kinda rude.
but then, I told them there's nothing to be worry bout since they are in a normal size, which is not too skinny, nor too fat (guess the japanese's scale for "normal" is NOT normal compared to us), and that many other girls would die to have a figure like them.
I thought they would actually agree, but instead, they went saying "what are u talking about? can't u see my flab tummy?" OH..MY..GOD..! that's the time I felt like kicking, and slapping everone on their faces. but I went out the door to get some "fresh air" instead.

conclusion: I just can't understand what the japanese girls want, sometimes.. don't u think they r too much, too?

// opps! i won't do it again.. (of course i will!)

2008-06-29T15:41:00.003+08:00

ok, after like, what? 2 months of not logging in (not really), why must TODAY is the day that i might get busted for using the lab's printer? (oh, oh! *gasp*) for those who might think, hey, what's wrong with using the lab's printer?; here's what's wrong -- one, i've graduated from the university, so technically, i can't use the facilities eventhough i know the lab's password (yada, yada..). and two, i just got into the lab without asking for my sensei's permission (which of course, as an excuse, i really don't wanna meet him -- if u know our history u'd understand). and here's the best part: i think it might be ok if i was just using the internet since my computer at home broke down, but, i use it to print out pictures -- lots of pictures for my own personal gain (talking like the charmed sisters, ey?). haha. so yea, THAT'S what i'm gonna get busted at -- coz tadaa! the printer decided to NOT work today as its yellow cartridge needs to be changed. thankyouverymuch. and i've tried to cancel the 'jobs' before anyone actually change the ink, but this stupid printer doesn't let me do that! (ok, maybe i'm just too printer-blind. whatever). urghh! let's just hope that the students change the ink, and not the sensei, shall we? *crossing fingers*

// senyum seindah suria..

2008-05-07T09:21:00.002+08:00

...yang membawa cahaya,
senyumlah dari hati,
duniamu berseri...

ekekeke... suddenly feeling like singing the song. those who can't understand malay, it's about urm.. well, smileeeeeeeeeeee! :D

going to internet cafes sometimes sure doesn't bore u at all. for example, today, at this moment, i have 1.. 2.. 3.. (still counting... ok, guess 3 is enuff) not-thaaaat-cute-but-ok-la (as i call it) guys sitting near me. HOHOHO! (gatal kan?)

my computer at home sucks-all-stars (in Miquel's words when describing Kagoshima. lol) right now, and i've been working much lately, so i haven't have the time to update this blog, let alone think of anything to write! (not that those few sentences up there is something to write about. heh)

off for now. gonna continue with whatever org gatal does. hahaha!

// if u have a blog...

2008-04-09T17:19:00.002+08:00

.. and came to visit mine, u r more than welcome to leave a comment (or a message for that matter), along with ur blog's url. (^^)

i first joined the blog when yaya-ness invited me, so i don't really have that many friends with blogs (i mean none that i know of), so yea, sometimes this page really feels lonely. hehehe.

so people! let's have fun blogging. lol.

// i DIDN'T know.

2008-04-02T16:32:00.002+08:00

what didn't i know? that moving out can be so much stressful. have been living in this house for the whole 4 years, so of course i've felt a lil comfortable living in this pod hole, a messy one that is (lol), tho the no-air-cond-complaints is playing in my head every now n then. hehe.

was supposed to finish packing like 30 days ago, but i keep postponing the moving out date. haha. procrastinator? oh yes, a MAJOR one. tho not leaving kagoshima anytime soon, but since i've told the landlord that i'm moving, plus, don't have the scholarship anymore to pay the rent, like it or not, have to move to my friend's place. thank God my friend has a place for me, eh? so i keep telling myself. so like, this is the 2nd time i've delayed the moving date, which costs me 49,500 yen, thank u very much. the point is, i just can't postpone it anymore.

so the cleaning up n throwing out things begin. but hell this is not the things i'm good at. n i always use the dust allergies as my excuse. but seriously, it's damn stressful! i don't even know where to start! and what to throw, even what to do with it! would love to pay someone else to do it. yea, right. like i have the money. geez.

and how do i let go of the stress while taking a so-called "short" break from packing?? u know where -- u r reading it! LOL.

// oopss he did it again

2008-04-01T01:34:00.001+08:00

met Sumi just now. (:

so now i'm practically smiling like this ---> teeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee :D *blushed*

// in one republic, all we are...

2008-03-31T17:01:00.008+08:00

am soooo friggin' addicted to One Republic right now, thanks to GG. heh.

and.. and.. the "All We Are" and "Apologize" songs just gives me the thrills everytime i hear it. oooohhhh~

so here's the video for "Apologize". enjoy!

// let's see how far we've come

2008-03-26T13:29:00.002+08:00

I'm waking up at the start of the end of the world,
but its feeling just like every other morning before,
Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone,

The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour if that,
and started staring at the passengers who're waving goodbye
can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

But I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come

so.. how far i've come? i'd like to think, far. i mean, i've come a far way. spending (and aging) yet an extra year in japan, i must say, i had my worries at first. a lot had happened back home, which made me decided to stay here longer, to cleanse anything that i think need to be cleansed (lol), and a lot has happened during that "cleansing" period too, things i would have never imagine could happen, that is. but, whatever.

so yea, i believe i have come a far way. physically, and emotionally. tho most of the time it's more to emotional. heh. and that, i think, is what made some people said i've change. well, maybe so. the girl who used to contact her friends back home, or maybe nearby, like, everyday, now thinks that there's no point of doing so when she's always the one who gives a damn. the person who used to like making new friends (tho not randomly), now finds that where's the fun in it if it only ends with a backstabbing friend? the person who likes to believe the best in people and trusting them before, now finds that most of them are full of bull. so to answer your question, yes, maybe i've changed. and maybe sometimes, i don't really like the person i've become, in terms of human relations, but it took a great while for me to be somewhat cold-hearted. u've had your chance. don't blame me.

but, to those who are ever so wonderful to me, to u, i'll be the same. and thank you for not making me to change.

------------------------------------------------------------

i'm blogging while watching a volleyball match, so u know how men in sweats can be such a distraction. haha. better off now. lol.

p/s: i think this overdue milk is making my tummy feels funny.. erk.

and oh! HAPPY GRADUATION to meeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! *curtsies*

// dilemma

2008-03-10T09:34:00.002+08:00

no matter what i do.. all i think about is u.. even when i'm with my boo, u know i'm crazy over u..

that dilemma? oh, no.. no..

have a job interview in a few hours.. that's what this is about. about staying, or leaving... *sigh*

as u all know, i'm finally graduating! i've been waiting this moment like, FOREVER! coz i can't wait to go back and leave this place, which, i call "hell", once upon a time...

but now that i'm actually finished, and CAN go back anytime, i hesitate. there's something inside me asking to stay. my bet is on the things i've been doing lately, the people i know.. u know, with the dance circle n stuffs. don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean i like malaysia any less. i miss all the people, n i want to go back, i DO, but maybe not NOW? ah, i don't know..

people in malaysia mostly asking me to go back. ah, how i'm touched when they say they miss me, coz i've missed them too. but i'm also touched when the japanese around me is trying their best too, to make me stay. working in japan does sound good, financial wise, and sometimes i think i need that, coz there's a moment where i think i'm a disappointment to my family. again, financial wise. but, what bothers me is, will it make me happy? that, i don't know. sucks not knowing the future, i know. n that, just makes me wish to have a Peter Petrelli around. lol.

i'm always not good at making decisions... hope that i'll make the right one, this time around. but i won't be holding my breath if i were u.. hehe. so somebody, anybody, HEL~PPPP!!

// blood diamond

2008-03-07T12:44:00.004+08:00

do u know that japanese people have this "superstition" that blood type is related to personality? since i came to japan, this is one of the things that i find interesting. with that said, i found myself eager to know my own blood type, since malaysians don't really care bout that as much as the japanese do. my japanese friends around me always say that i "look" like an O-type or an AB-type, according to my personality. O-type people are said to be an outgoing, social butterfly kinda person, while AB-type people are sensitive, and have "double" personality as it's the mix of A and B, so they said.

so yesterday, off to the blood-donating clinic, i went. i asked my mom once for both my parents' blood types, and since they are B and O, i thought i must be O since most japanese people think i'm O, according to their blood-personality theory. but, to my surprise, the result turned out to be B! shocker, i know. haha. then, had the donating process started, quite painful at first, i must say, and i still couldn't believe that i went through my first-ever-blood-donating-of-my-life just to know my blood type! talking bout sacrifices u have to make.. =p

let's check out what do the japanese think of each blood type:

Type A

blood type A personalities are the cautious, loyal introverts.

Speaking broadly, it is said that people with Type A Blood are calm, composed, and
very level-headed and serious. They have a firm character, and are reliable and
trustworthy (and hardheaded). They think things over and make plans deliberately, and
they plug away at things steadily and assiduously. They try to make themselves more
like their own ideal of what they should be. A Types may look aloof or distant to others.
They try to suppress their own emotions, and because they have continual practice in
doing this, this makes them appear strong. But, actually, they have a fragile, nervous
side, as well. They tend to be hard on people who are not of the same type, and so they
consequently tend to be surrounded with people of the same temperament.

Type B

blood type B personalities are the cheerful, adventurous egocentrics.

People with Type B Blood are curious about and interested in everything. That's may be
good, but they also tend to have too many interests and hobbies, and they tend to get
all excited about something suddenly and then later drop it again just as quickly. But
they do manage to know which of their many interests or loved ones are the ones that
are really important, the ones they should hold on to. B Types tend to excel in things
rather than just be average. But they tend to be so involved in their own world or become
so carried away with something that they neglect other things. They have the image of
being bright and cheerful, full of energy and enthusiasm, but some people think that they
are really quite different on the inside. And it can also be said about them that they don't
really want to have much real contact with others.

Type O

blood type O personalities are the sociable, dramatic overachievers.

Type O Blood people are said to set the mood for a group and to take on the role of
creating harmony among its members. Their image is one of taking it easy, of being
peaceful and carefree. They are also thought to be big-hearted and benevolent, and they
tend to spend money on others generously. O Types are generally "loved by all." But,
they also, surprisingly, have a stubborn and strong-willed side, as well, and tend to
secretly have their own opinions on things. On the other hand, they have the flexible,
adaptable side of readily accepting new things. They are easily influenced by other
people or by what they see on TV. They seem to appear level-headed and trustworthy,
but they often slip and make big blunders inadvertently. But that is also the point that
makes O Types lovable.

Type AB

blood type AB personalities are the instinctive, easy-going diplomats.

People with Type AB Blood are said to have a delicate sensitivity. They are considerate
of other people's feelings and deal with them with care and caution. On the other hand,
though, they are strict with themselves and those close to them. They, therefore, seem
to have two personalities: one for those "outside," and another for people on the "inside."
They often become sentimental, and they tend to think too deeply about things. AB
Types have a lot of friends, but they need time to be alone and think things through, as
well.

btw, i also found this interesting sites bout blood types, if u wanna check it out. happy reading!

// jerk land

2008-03-06T11:58:00.001+08:00

Dave Zinczenko's Mysteries of the Sexes Explained

What His Breakup Lines Really Mean

Posted Mon, Mar 03, 2008, 4:50 pm PST

Every relationship goes through some bad times. Like the time you caught him flirting when he thought you weren't watching, or the time the ex called and left a sultry message on the machine, or the time when the two of you fought like angry reptiles when one of you decided it was okay to spend the bonus money on the latest turbo tool. Certainly, though, the most awkward and uncomfortable time in a relationship comes at the very end of it - the time when the two of you (or at least one of you) decides it's time to divide the iTunes account and move on.

No break-up is easy, and many guys resort to some old standards when it comes to conversational gambits in the final moments. This will help you decode what his cutting lines truly mean.

"It's not you; it's me."
Translation: "It's not me; it's you."

One-third of men admit that they're lying when they blame themselves for the demise of the relationship. Of course, they're trying to soften the blow a bit - to ensure that you know you're a great person, a caring person, a person who's perfectly right... for someone else. After all, if you were the right one (for him), it wouldn't matter whether his mind was somewhere in Iceland; he'd find a way to make it work.

"I'm not ready for a relationship right now."
Translation: "Whoa baby, slow down!"

Most guys - though they can come off as more desperate than a brewhound in a dry county - take their time testing the relationship waters. If a woman comes on too fast - with talk of futures, or of how she's never felt this way before - then the man often will be likely to retreat. Fast. It's not that he's not ready for a relationship; it's just that he's not ready to decide whether "Mony Mony" should be in the second or third set of the reception playlist.

"Can I call you sometime?"
Translation: "If you're ever lonely at 3 a.m. on a Saturday night...."

Well, he may or may not be that crass, but he is trying to keep the door cracked. If he's the one who's doing the ditching, then he's (unfairly, mind you) trying to lead you to believe that a break will strengthen the possibilities of some kind of rekindled romance in the future. If he's the victim, then he's trying to hang onto any slim chance he may have in the future with you (or possibly one of your friends). Either way, check out this story and beware the drunk-dialing ex; professors have actually studied this and concluded it's not without its pitfalls.

"I still care about you."
Translation: "Please don't tell your friends I'm a jerk."

Truth is, he probably does care about you. Still cares that you do well, that you find someone, that you get what you want in life. But what he's also saying is, please don't tell all your friends to cross me off their lists. The relationship may be broken, but it's a pretty big concern that his reputation remains intact.

If a guy's behavior seems perplexing, sneak a glimpse into his mind with this eye-opening article about men, women and their breakups, "Get Over Her," by Greg Behrendt, the "Sex and the City" writer who also wrote the book He's Just Not That Into You. Do you have other break-up stories, secrets and solutions? Please share them with the rest of us here.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

4 Fights That Men Fear

Posted Tue, Feb 26, 2008, 10:02 am PST

Typically, guys like fights when they're at a hockey game, or watching reality TV. But guys don't particularly like fights when they happen in relationships.

We shy away from confrontation for several reasons: first, men win arguments with women about as often as Dennis Kucinich wins presidential primaries.

Second, we don't have that much we want to argue about. When Rodney King asked, "Can't we all just get along?" there were millions of guys nodding their heads, asking the same thing. For the vast majority of guys, fighting is failure, and quite possibly a violation of local noise ordinances.

We may have a few little things to quibble about (Where in the world did you put my Strokes concert T-shirt?), but for the most part, we'll do anything to avoid conflict, especially these types of conflict:

The "Blackberry" Fight

You look at it too much. Does that thing always have to be on? You work way too much! You're right, you're right, and you're right. When a man's work is pitted against his relationship for time and attention, he can feel utterly conflicted.

Many men feel an intense pressure to succeed, to be the one who's counted on, to be hardwired into whatever's happening, even if it's not much. And when you tell him that he should feel that way about you rather than the job, he retreats.

That's because he'd rather make a choice between right and wrong than the choice you're asking him to make: The choice between two things that are both important, but vastly different.

The "Ex" Fight

You want to know what she's like, what she does, why your man was into her, and why they broke up. Him? He wants to stay as tight-lipped as the CIA's man in Moscow.

Which only fuels the speculation - she must've been great, she must've broken up with him, she must've been the love of his life. The truth may be none of those things, but he wants to reveal as little as possible because there's no upside.

If he recalls any positives about her, he's afraid you'll compare, and think poorly of yourself. If he says nasty things about his ex, he loses two ways: you'll think badly of him for unchivalrous behavior, and wonder why he was with such a no-good girlfriend in the first place.

The "Finale" Fight

When a break-up is inevitable, a guy doesn't want to go out with shouts, insults, crying, and random appliance tossing. Even though this relationship may have not worked out entirely the way either of you had pictured, he doesn't want it to end badly.

Why? Because there's a big part of him that cares very much about his rep; he doesn't want to be perceived as a bad guy, or a mean one, or some jerk who deserves to be hit by the cross-town bus next time he crosses the street.

Even if he wants an ending, he doesn't want it to be a bad one - which is why many breakup-minded men try to make a soft landing back in the singles world: Slowly, gently, and perhaps unfairly as well.

The "Wedding" Fights

Not the wedding fight, as in whether or not to have one. But fights, as in plural, the kind that happen between the first ring he puts on your finger, and the second. He knows you want him involved in all the decisions big (who to invite) and small (what style napkins). He knows that "It's up to you" is usually one of the "Five Things You Should Never Say to a Woman," as this article artfully instructs (hint: make sure he reads and heeds it!).

But in this case, his acquiescence isn't because he's uninterested; it's because he respects that this is your (and possibly your mother's) big day, so enjoy it, do what you want, and don't get mad because he won't tell you if he prefers the butter cream icing or the marzipan.

As for other kinds of fights, here's a great list of common face-offs and how men will try to defuse them. See if you recognize any of his tactics.

Have other ideas? Please share ‘em here.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Want more from David? Subscribe to Men's Health with this special holiday offer: 50% off the cover price.

You can also check out "Men, Love & Sex: The Complete User's Guide for Women" and "Eat This Not That" on Yahoo! Shopping.

// gimme gimme, gimme gimme... an iPod!!

2008-03-04T11:51:00.002+08:00

100 ways your iPod can up your IQ

Wed Feb 27, 2008 8:48AM EST

Creatures of habit that we are, we sometimes get into a gadget rut, forgetting that our iPods are probably capable of a lot more than what we do with them. So far, I've used mine for listening to music and podcasts, watching movies (which isn't my idea of film appreciation), and receiving RSS feeds. But I didn't know what I was missing until I stumbled across "100 Ways to Use Your iPod to Learn and Study Better" from the Online Education Database (OEDb).

Many of the suggestions are free, while some have a low-cost fee. There's not a loser in the bunch, and they come from some far-flung places on the Web.

Some are tutorials:

Learning Podcasting: If you want to create your own podcast to share your skills or expertise on a particular subject, read this in-depth introduction to podcasting from Wise-Women.org.
Podtender 3.0: This software program will teach you how to make all kinds of tasty cocktails for your next party.

Some are applications that make learning easier:

iGadget: Make your class notes, presentations, study guides and other materials iPod-friendly by using iGadget. You'll be able to move documents and files back and forth between your iPod and your computer easily and securely.
YouTube to iPod Converter 2.6: This free converter lets you watch educational videos, TV clips and more on your iPod so that you can review for tests, contribute to class discussions or add them to a presentation.

Some are for lifelong learners:

iJourneys: Take walking tours in cities like Salzburg, Vienna, Amsterdam, Paris and ancient Rome by downloading iPod-compatible guides from this site.
Free Classic Audiobooks: Find books like Herman Melville's Typee, Huckleberry Finn and Swiss Family Robinson in iPod-friendly formats here.

And some are meant to augment other studies:

Stedman's Medical Terminology Flash Cards:This set of iPod-friendly flash cards will help any healthcare, nursing, pre-med or medical student prepare for an exam.
Teach Kids Valuable Lessons With Free Sesame Street iPod Videos: Lifehacker writes about the six free Sesame Street videos offered on iTunes, perfect for introducing your child to technology and other educational basics.

Get through those 100 and you'll find another 50 at kottke.org

// flu, flu, go away

2008-02-27T18:06:00.002+08:00

at last!! my final presentation ended with err.. a flu. haha. didn't receive the award for best performace though, but, what the heck. as long as i've finished the presentation! coz that's all that matters. woohoo~!

feels like an amazing amount of weight have been lifted off my chest! phew~! some of u might think, that's it? i'm free? yea.. yea.. i tot so too, but HELL NO! in fact, the other problems start coming out. need a list? glad to give. here it is:-

1. writing the thesis (which i have absolutely NO idea of how to write).
2. pack the stuffs in the boxes (which i don't have).
3. find the cheapest way to send the boxes back home (which i'm still figuring out how to).
4. dealing with the immigration bout my what-da-hell-are-u-thinking-asking-me-to-renew-even-for-a-week visa. lol.
5. sweet talk my way thru not attending the final lab's nomikai.
6. find an escape from paying ¥3000 even when i'm not attending the party after graduation.
7. finding another escape from paying the bullshit for alumni fee, which, NEITHER of us applied (they just forced u to join).
8. curing my never-ending-flu while figuring out all these..

and... the MAIN point..
9. WHERE THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THE MONEY TO DO ALL THE STUFFS??!!

going back home is a LOT more complicated, huh? tell me bout it. *sigh*

// confessions of a depressed student

2008-02-22T00:43:00.002+08:00

Dear Sir,

I know I might not be the smartest student you have in your lab, but you should know that I am also NOT dumb. All my life I have went through school with abso-fucking-lutely NO problem at all in understanding the subjects as long as the teacher knows how to make ME understand during class, in other words, knows how to teach. Instead, you expect me to understand all those things eventhough you know i didn't learn it in my native language, and, note this, even some of the natives don't understand what I am supposed to do with my research.

You were supposed to teach me, not SCOLD me for not understanding, though sometimes, scolding is neccessary, i understand that. but you! calling me, or ANYONE, stupid is just toooooo much, dont you think?! Put yourself in my shoes, try and learn something that you might not have that much interest in the first place, yet in a new language that you've just learn for a few years! hah! Even your English is not as good as you might think you are, so how DARE you looking down to other people like me, just because we are students? YOUR students?!

Not enough of that, you just haaaaaaaaave to embarassed me in front of allll, don't you? Some things are just meant for you and that student of yours, don't you know that? geez. I wonder how were you able to teach in the first place? You have this so-called "cool" character of yours at one time, making students fall for it, and think that you are this cool dude, then you just go crush their hearts when you think you want to boost their workmanship. ah, you and your useless way of thinking... who needs humiliation, worst, PUBLIC humiliation as a boost?

Thank God I won't be seeing you for that long. I'll be gone... and I hope you'll let me be gone, or else I'll be writing you another confessions. I might return one day, maybe to see my friends and the people that I care, but I surely won't be seeing you.

Thank you.

Yours sincerely,
your depressed student, thanks to you.

// ...and the loser goes to..

2008-02-13T01:37:00.000+08:00

Nick Nolte & Julia Roberts
I Love Trouble - 1994
In the early 90's, Julia came out of nowhere to become the biggest female star in the world. Nick was named People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" in 1992. So why not pair them together in a screwball comedy about dueling reporters? Because he was nearly twice her age, and both of them appeared to be painfully aware of that fact.
Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez
Gigli - 2003
Ah, "Gigli." The makers of "Ishtar" thank you for replacing their movie title as the funny word that means "embarrassing flop." Ben and J.Lo met on the set of their ill-conceived gangster-meets-lesbian love story, and the tabloids were packed with stories about them every week thereafter. Still, real life sparks don't always translate to the screen, and the movie's failure killed the couple's future.
Harrison Ford & Anne Heche
Six Days, Seven Nights - 1998
When Anne Heche was cast in this romantic action movie, she was a little-known but well-respected actress. By the time the film hit screens, everybody knew her as Ellen DeGeneres' girlfriend. But even without the real world intruding, there's no way anyone would buy the 29-year-old Heche and 56-year-old Ford ending up together, no matter how much time they spent on a desert island.
Kevin Spacey & Kate Bosworth
Beyond the Sea - 2004
The real Bobby Darin and Sandra Dee were quite an odd couple. He was a balding singer from the Bronx; she was a 16-year-old movie star. But somehow they made it work. In the movie of Darin's life, however, Spacey and Bosworth were completely unbelievable. It didn't help that Spacey was eight years older than the actual Darin ever lived to be. At least his hairline fit the part.
Hayden Christensen & Natalie Portman
Star Wars - Episode II and Episode III - 2002/2005
After watching the uncomfortable scenes with Natalie Portman and 10-year-old Jake Lloyd in The Phantom Menace, Star Wars fans everywhere thought, "It can't get worse than this." Oh, how little they knew. For the next two prequels, they were faced with Portman and Christensen stiffly reciting George Lucas' leaden dialogue. When the giant lizard Obi-Wan rides is more convincing than their romance, it's enough to make you want to scream "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Madonna & Adriano Giannini
Swept Away - 2002
The original Italian 1974 film "Swept Away," was an examination of class and gender issues. Guy Ritchie's 2002 remake is an examination of his wife's dedication to Pilates. Watching this movie makes you not only question why Madonna would fall for Adriano Giannini's crude and abusive fisherman, but why she thought it'd be a good idea to make another movie with her spouse after having already bombed with her previous husband Sean Penn in "Shanghai Surprise."
Dan Aykroyd & Rosie O'Donnell
Exit to Eden - 1994
"Exit to Eden" was a dark, romantic novel by "Interview With a Vampire" author Anne Rice about bondage and S&M. Who better, then, to turn it into a movie than the creator of "Mork and Mindy?" An even better question: what movie executive thought that the formula for box office gold was putting Dan Aykroyd and Rosie O'Donnell in skimpy studded leather outfits? As the comic relief they are painfully unfunny, and not even the kind of painful that a dominatrix would enjoy.
Justin Guarini & Kelly Clarkson
From Justin to Kelly - 2003
Casting the first and second place finishers of "American Idol" in the lead roles of a movie is sort of like letting the "Top Chef" winners perform your appendectomy. You would think being on a TV show together would make both Justin and Kelly comfortable being in the presence of both a camera and each other, but they look lost without Simon around to berate them. At least the dismal failure of the movie insured that we wouldn't be subjected to "From Jordin to Sanjaya."
Eddie Murphy & Eddie Murphy
Norbit - 2006
It took 25 years of hard work for Eddie Murphy to go from "Saturday Night Live" cast member to Oscar-nominated thespian. But it took just 2-1/2 minutes of the "Norbit" trailer to kill any hope he ever had of being taken seriously again. As both the nerdy title character and his overweight and domineering wife Rasputia, Murphy proved he can be supremely unpleasant no matter what size or gender.
Woody Allen & Any Actress 20+ Years Younger than Him
It was always part of the comedy in Woody Allen's early movies how a bespectacled, awkward guy like him could end up with gorgeous women. Unfortunately, no one ever let Woody in on the joke. And by the time he was casting women like Téa Leoni (31 years younger than him) and Julia Roberts (32), it really stopped being funny. The most absurd: when his character in "The Curse of the Jade Scorpion" is seduced by Charlize Theron (four decades younger than Woody).

// sleeping ugly

2008-02-06T17:26:00.000+08:00

yes. i'm sleeping at the lab. maybe for the rest of the week. haha.

-- THE END --

update: Friday, 4:00 a.m. - am at the lab for the 2nd night (morning?). mentaiko butter onigiri is finger-lickin'-good! but all this image "ERROR: input file size is incorrect" thing is driving me nuts! for hours!! x(

// kaki wayang ERA

2008-02-05T16:41:00.000+08:00

welcome back, peeps! (trying to sound like a GG, eh? lol)

anyways, i have a great link to give. it's kinda the reason i didn't even log in yesterday -- coz i've been watching movies all day long! yes, ALL DAY! it's kinda fun now that i could watch all these movies i've been wanting to without downloading them (tho i kinda waste much time n didn't make it to the lab, damn it!), since i've been really pissed with most of the files that people uploaded at those sites. (if u've been downloading movies, u might know what i mean.)

imagine, u've waited for God-knows-how-long for it to finally finish, just so u could watch the "20-second-ad" asking u to download yet another software to view the file?!! wtf, right?

so, back to the link. a fellow malaysian once opened it while we were having dinner (i actually "stormed" at his place and asked if he has any leftovers since i was "too tired" from my part-time. so he cook me some. haha), so that's when i first knew about it. but, at that time, i was still having this unneeded ego that it's better to download than waiting for the video to load, which is, yea, sometimes can be pretty annoying (trust me).

but come to think of it, now i've watched a lot more movies a day than when i downloaded it! so who am i to bitch bout the slow streaming?? hehe. actually, am watching one right now (wait, three!), just logging in to update u n share the benefit (if u think that way). well then, guess i catch u later. oh, right! the link. here it is! ---->>> Movie Galaxy or google nabolister.com

p/s: now u know u love me, eh? haha. (sorry bout that.. GG fever, what can i say?!) =Þ

// i'm a barbie girl...

2008-02-02T16:58:00.000+08:00

well, for most of my childhood i spent my time with playing Barbie (which was not actually that long, now that i think about it). for me, it's more of a prize for being a top 3 in school rather than a kid with the oh-my-kid-loves-dolls-so-let's-buy-her-one kinda mom. heh.

but i never knew that Barbie is actually widely sold. i mean, being the #1 doll's best seller or whatever they called it nowadays, it never even once crossed my mind (hey, i was a kid, what do i know?!). after years of leaving it behind, i was recently reminisced when i watched the "just-to-waste-time" Bratz movie. (Bratz is another girls' doll that gives Barbie a great competition.) obviously, these kinda dolls has been more than just a little girl's playmate, but since my addiction for dolls had changed to addiction for clothes, i don't see the point of buying a new doll anymore, when u can buy a nice top with the same price!! hehehe.

// gimme more

2008-02-01T14:39:00.000+08:00

gimme gimme.. gimme gimme.. MORE! says Britney. hehe. well, was browsing thru Vogue.co.jp today, the routine that i have when i'm in the lab -- browsing the internet, that is. not Vogue; and laid my eyes on this amazingly high-priced handbag by Gucci!! gosh, shopping is like my rehab and money is like the drug/alcohol. so without it, how can i even go to rehab?? lol. now, now, shall we call Mr.Maeda?? (haha. long story, no need to tell.)

// all hell break loose...

2008-01-31T17:50:00.000+08:00

wow! i have to say WOW! i, myself can't believe that it's been more than 3 months since my last post was published. God, had i been busy or just, plain lazy? lol. well, some of it was coz i was busy -- with the circle's performance n all, but most of it maybe bcoz i didn't know what to write -- or maybe didn't have the mood to.

in these past 3 months i've achieved some things that i might not had the chance before.. tho it's not all happy entries, i must say, but at least i feel a lil bit like "moved forward", if u know what i mean.. so, let's revised a bit. hmmm... what did i do?

October -- practicing the dance for the university's festival. phew! hard work...
November -- early: at last.. the time to embarrased myself in front of hundreds of students arrive!
end: enjoying the beautiful scenery of autumn in Kyoto and Kobe with my great kinda-like-brother-in-a-way senpai. woohoo~!
December -- made new frens during my part-time at the food company. like-a-boot-camp though, but when u r used to it, kinda enjoying! plus, u r not doing it alone. so maybe that's what keeps me going.
January -- picked up some strawberries, aiye? ;) what a 'sweet' experience.

so..... that's a lil bit of the activities i had. all good, u might think.. aha! the bad ones are of course when i constantly being scolded by my lab teacher regarding my research, which, i still don't understand until now (God, HEL~P!).. then, broke 24/7 (that's not a new stuff, so no '411' needed), and fell sick like a pregnant-lady-with-a-fever, litterally. had a cold n a fever and once, i threw up like 3 times in a day. geez..! guess all hell break loose for me, eh? :p

so, the 1st month of the new year's has passed (almost), and i chose this particular date to write a new post (am in the lab now, so, get the picture?). why? i don't know. new year's resolution? not to live with regrets (i just thought bout it during seminar today. haha). so, till the next post! u know u love me. haha. ciao!

p/s: was shocked to learn the news bout Heath Ledger's unfortunate death. he will always be remembered as an amazing actor. i personally admire him in 'a knight's tale'. condolences to his family.

and.. something extra -- a picture of someone who's just got back from throwing-up-season! lol. and someone who has definitely gone chubby-er! (oh, no!) HAHAHA!

// i'm not ok (i promise)

2007-10-04T15:38:00.000+08:00

went to take my result yesterday and was surprised to see how BAD it was! *sigh*
i won't be pissed if i didn't answer the exams with full confidence, but i totally KNOW what i was answering. grrr~ and the lecturers.. THIS is the year that u decided to be strict?! damn *&^&*@%()#*!! all these while u were kind enuff to give the others at least B, now u give us all below C?!! or even failed some of us? screw that! so yea.. thanks for making me totally NOT ok and not coming out of the house for the whole week.

// back for suicide..

2007-10-01T15:38:00.000+08:00

i'm backkkkkk!!

after a looooong (well, not that long tho) hols, i'm back to this kampung. haih. boring wehhh! (note: i arrived 5 hours ago. thank you)

and ohh, after i-don't-know-how-many-times (hey, who's counting?) i've traveled by plane, i realized one thing -- i ALWAYS (ok, i DID NOT exaggerate this) get the seat where when u look out the window u'll see nothing else but, WINGS! cheh. @&#$^#*(!^$$*

ok, i'm still tired, so get back later. cheers~